If the Wheel of Consent® is a Practice how do we Practice?

Practice is “the act of doing something regularly or repeatedly to improve your skill at doing it”.

(Cambridge Dictionary)

I love being reminded that the Wheel is not just a model – it’s a practice: and it means we are – I am – continuously developing, learning in this practice.

But – how do you learn the Wheel as a practice –  and then continue to practice? 
Wheel of Consent® workshops and trainings teach foundational practices of the Wheel and opportunities to practice with others; but what if you can’t attend a workshop or training? Or you have attended but want to keep practicing? 

Three Minute Game (3MG)!

One glorious way to practice is to play the Three Minute Game (3MG)!
This fabulous game invites you to learn the Wheel by being in it; rather than trying to
theorise or think it. You can learn it yourself, and together with others!

Take turns offering to each other (in any order).

Offer #1: How would you like me to touch you for 3 minutes? (Please scratch my
back, kiss my neck, bite my toes, hold me, etc.)

Offer #2: How would you like to touch me for 3 minutes? (May I feel your arms,
explore your back, play with your hair, etc – Do not offer to ‘give’ anything, like a
massage. This is for your pleasure.)

When you make the offer, you are giving a gift.
Negotiate as needed. Never give more than you are happy to give.

Each of the four rounds of the game creates a different role for you.
Either you are doing or they are doing – and either it is for you or it is for them.

Where to Start?

Find a willing practice buddy, they can be partner, friend, relative or other.
Check that you both want to play, and perhaps set an overall time (eg “let’s put aside 30mins, or 60 mins to take 3 minute turns”), read the instructions and start.

You can help each other – and remember its a practice, it takes time and it involves
mistakes! Return to the instructions, and look for the other resources below! 

What I have learned..

Use the questions as they are written: “How do you want me to touch you / How do you want to touch me?” It really helps to embed who’s doing and who it is for. And helps not slip back to murkiness: I really know when its for me, and when its for them!

And.. for the same reason… answer specifically with the words .. “Will you…?” (do this to / for me) or “May I…?” (do this to you). 

Once you agree on what will happen… keep your turns to three minutes (set a timer!) It makes for a clear agreement: when its your turn its your turn, and you both have the same time. And – there will be another turn! 

The time limit helps you to be more specific in your requests; what is realistic for three minutes? 

Welcome curiosity and variety: press firmly, pat quickly, stroke lightly, whisper softly, lift slowly, squeeze, look at, explore ... it does not have to make sense it just needs to feel of interest to you when its for you!

Taking turns means you will experience yourself in all four quadrants. It will get clearer the more you play, and don’t worry too much about the diagram! Notice yourself, aim for curiosity, free of judgment! 

If sex is part of the pair you’re in, consider setting a non-sexual agreement – it can
make learning the quadrants easier, and you can always close the game if you want
to move to sex instead!

If you get lost (as you likely will) just pause, go back to the question and you can re0-ask it – it helps check you are clear ‘who’s doing the action, and who is it for?’ …and reset. 

It’s a game, so aim for fun, and notice what you are learning about yourself!  If it’s not fun, you can stop! Maybe it’s for another day, or another pairing. 

Every turn will be unique! The structure and the repetition adds to the learning, and it can be interesting to play with different people. The 3MG can also be played over video call!! 

There’s a free handout from the School of Consent to print here plus links to videos,
interviews and blogs about the 3MG.

Thank you Betty Martin and Harry Faddis for the Three Minute Game!

Resources to support Practice

Resources to support Practice
The book https://www.wheelofconsent.org/
Free resources https://www.schoolofconsent.org/free
Videos https://www.schoolofconsent.org/videos
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/thewheelofconsent/